Polyamory
I'm pissed. Here are some of the things that have been pissing me off about dating in Poly Land for a while.
1. I am not a Band-Aid for someone else's failing relationship. Goddamn it, I might actually have my own needs too, besides being a breathing blow-up doll to give you some fantasy fulfillment and stall the inevitable break up of your relationship. I believe what you want is around 5-6 grand and available at http://www.realdoll.com/
2. If you've got the giggly shits because you've managed to bag a much younger woman, and you're using my age/ cup size/ gender/ orientation/ hair color/ whatever to boost your self esteem and spend more time bragging about what hot shit you are for "bagging" me to your friends than TALKING to me, chances are I'm going to leave the restaurant with the cute busboy who actually talked to me.
3. Don't lie to me. Just fucking don't. When I find out, I will fly off the handle. I'll be honest with you, and even when I would rather curl up in a ball and not communicate a damn thing. That's a pretty frequent state for me, and I could do the female thing and be pissed at you for not figuring it out on your own. But I won't, I'll do my best to talk to you about what's going on. If you don't know, you're not sure about your emotions or what you want, say these words: I DON'T KNOW. See? Was that so hard? I never thought you were God, so it doesn't surprise me. And if you deliberately mislead me, and I found out in the mood I am in now, you will have a permanent Tank Kitty Boot Suppository. Up your ass. I am SO not in the mood.
4. Don't make promises you don't intend to keep. Slightly different than lying. When you lie to me, your distorting what's going on, or what has happened. When you're making bullshit promises, and then don't follow through with them, it hurts me. Okay? While trying to sound romantic or nice, you are fucking with my emotions. This is Not A Good Feeling, so just don't promise anything.
5. Ergo, don't make promises when you're in an altered state of mind. Okay, it's known that when you're messing around, if someone says "I love you", and they haven't said it during a non-naked moment, then it's most likely the thrill of the moment. Same with promises. But if your necking with someone and say things, state intentions, and then make it obvious you have NO intention of following through with these, it sucks double time. I don't care if it sounds romantic at the moment, just shut up. There are probably better things you can do with your mouth that won't hurt me, and probably make me feel pretty good. If you're not sure than ask what you CAN be doing with your mouth, I might have a few ideas.
6. Just because I dig you, doesn't mean I dig your SO. In fact, I may really like your SO but have no interest in you. Or, I may like both of you platonically, one of you sexually and the other platonically, or I may simply be tolerating your presence. Just because I am bisexual, doesn't mean I am going to instantly want to screw your wife. Let me repeat this for you hard-of-hearing people, JUST BECAUSE I AM BISEXUAL DOES NOT MEAN I WANT A THREESOME WITH YOU AND YOUR WIFE. If I wanted such a thing I would probably have let you know. Really.
7. Just because I'm bisexual, doesn't mean I want to be sexual with you. Yes, I like men, and yes I like women. Those both imply human. Are you so sure you count? Keep assuming I'm going to shag you, and you might get crossed off of my list.
8. The nipples are not radio dials. Keep tweaking them like that and I'll bite you. 'Nuff said.
9. I really, really hate it when you mess around with someone in an open relationship, and everyone tells you that relationship is open (friends of both of them) and then it turns out its NOT. Fuck! Why the hell can't people just be HONEST and COMMUNICATE!?!? What the HELL is WRONG with these people? Its not that hard. Really, TRY IT. Return to rule number one. I am not just an object of desire. I am a human being, and when you do this sort of thing you are fucking with my mind, playing with my emotions, and in general being a shit head. Before you do this stop and think about someone other than yourself, like your girlfriend, me, your friends, and anyone else you're about to hurt.
10. Trying to communicate with someone through their SO. Guess what honey, you're name isn't tellstar. If you would stop trying to "help" us communicate with each other, and left us alone long enough to fucking TALK to each other, we'd both have it settled one way or another in 10 minuets. Might not be the way you want it to be settled, but boo fuckin hoo. It'll be a lot less wear and tear on my psyche.