All of which, one day, Max pointed out to me can equate to "writing your name on my cock" (or vagina or whatever you have). I don't like that thought. It bothers me. I want people (including those partnered with me) to have the freedom to love whoever they are going to love and to be who they are.

A few days later, Max and I were discussing commitment. And I realized that I want an illusion. When it comes down to reality, I don't hold people to these commitments. I don't really care all that much.

Technically, an ex "cheated" on me 3 or 4 times using these rules. But, it didn't really bother me. I understood how they happened, so I was cool with that. I was minorly irritated that he didn't stick to what we'd agreed to, but the actual act itself didn't matter to me.

So why do I want those rules, if they are not important to me? I came back to that idea of wanting an illusion. It's like the TSA (Transportation Safety Administration) deciding that knitting needles are OK, but toenail clippers are not. I wanted that illusion of security and safety within my relationship. But, I came to realize that if I don't get that feeling from the love and understanding that I share from with my partner, then maybe I should be working on that relationship.

In our relationship, we each own ourselves. Even if it is a D/s or M/s relationship -- in the most basic sense -- I must belong to myself first. I must own myself and my actions and my thoughts and my emotions. And for the purposes of D/s how can one truly allow someone else to have control/ownership of that without really knowing and owning themself, first?

So, when it comes to new partners? Each step of the way we each decide what we are doing, what we are feeling and what our limits are. I never want to make his choices for him. I trust him and I love him. Most importantly, I trust him. I trust him to do the right thing. Did I always?

No. We had some drama over one relationship, but that helped me learn to trust him better and helped him to learn my point-of-view on this stuff. Then, the situation occurred in reverse. I had a relationship. I knew from prior experience that continuing a relationship with someone who had started trying to make drama within my other relationship was bad. So, I let it die. Max didn't dictate that relationship. He didn't even suggest that I back-off in any way. He never said anything negative about it. But, I wasn't about to let that person dictate my relationship with Max, either.

It's about each of us making our own choices. We prefer to think that if our relationship hits a point where I'm willing to date someone he doesn't like and I'm also willing to allow it to cause sufficient disruption in our mutual home and lives, then perhaps we should be reconsidering/working on our own relationship.

This can be hard to wrap your head around. But, all the rules in the world won't change what a person chooses to do. So, we tend to forgo the 'rules' issue when it comes to relationships. We have boundaries and limits. We talk about those boundaries and limits. Sometimes, we may push those boundaries and limits. Because we've talked about them, we both have clear ideas on what can be pushed and what will break our relationship and also what is expected in exchange for pushing those boundaries.

So, it becomes 100% about informed consent and trying to allow time for decisions and concensus to happen.

When a new person becomes involved, we re-discuss boundaries and limits as they relate to that specific person. From that point, he decides what he's going to do; Person X decides what they are going to do; and I decide what I'm going to do. This may include keeping my boundaries strict and clear; it may mean nothing.

He has decided to never interfere in my outside relationships -- because that's not ethical and fair to anyone I date. (outside = relationships that he is not directly involved in) And vice-versa. I won't interfere in his.

I think that trying to be "equal" or "fair" or "the same" in a poly relationship doesn't work out well. I don't want exactly equal items with someone else. I'm not them. And each relationship is not every going to be truly equal. For example, doing dishes, taking care of kids, and the house is not the same quality of time as a date night. So, although, sheer volume of time may be more with one person than the other -- two un-equal situations just might really be well-balanced.

This is really much more organic than it might sound. We grow this. It's not canned rules. We feel it through and work it out with time, patience and love.

But, in the end, it's just important for me that my partner is who they are and is free to be that person rather than just constrained by a bunch of arbitrary rules.